What have I been doing to myself? Hiding out from myself and the world? I watched my son hide out for 20 years, hide out from situations in his life he didn’t want to deal with. I was patient with him, ignoring others who said he would never get functional beyond the tasks that demanded his daily attention. My patience paid off. Within a day’s time he rejoined life. taking hesitant steps at first but soon was making strides to the promise of his earlier years. Now he is the head of his family and is really responsible.
But this is not about him, but me. I look at my daily life and think I may be hiding out. I don’t have a driving force that gets me out of bed each day, a schedule of daily activities, goals to pursue. Sure, I do have the rental property to strive toward finishing off to be ready to rent, but I’m relying on a carpenter to do it for me. And the carpenter seems to be as lost as I am lately!
I seem to have given up on life, at least down deep inside me. My marriage is like living with a roommate. The ministry work I looked forward to eagerly as I graduated from college in 2015 didn’t go anywhere, at least on the scale I felt God had promised, and I don’t have contact with a grandson anymore with whom I was so close for years. Basically, I am happy in spite of the fact I have been acting somewhat like my son for those “evading” years. I believe God loves me and is proud of me. I know I don’t need to perform to be accepted by Him, but I have always had a strong urge to make a difference in the kingdom work here on earth.
I think going on this healthy eating program has opened my eyes to the ways I have been avoiding my hurts and disappointments. Food can be used to “cram” down emotions. My coach wrote me a note: FOOD IS A FUEL, NOT THERAPY. Now that woman is wise. She seems to know the right words to say to me at the right times. Perhaps God is using her to help me in ways her role as a coach doesn’t exactly require. I’m just grateful, wherever it is coming from.